today = perfect


i couldn't ask for a better day
i mean, the sun was shining. the skies were unbelievably clear
it wasn't deathly hot like it has been these past few days
i talked to everyone i wanted to talk to.

just, amazing



yea, shit happened (zachs car)
but we laughed about it
we laughed, got stared at, and had a wonderful time

Ashley called me this morning, woke me up and was like, get ready we are going to the mall.
i LOVE spontaneous things and im like WOAH OK!!
and zach called right before we were going to leave, so, he took us, along with dale and nick
WONDERFUL time
then, we went to Mt. Sugarloaf.
ive never been up there, and i couldn't have chosen a prettier day to have gone
absolutely breath-taking

and OH MY GOODNESS, alex and i's conversation today was quite possibly the best aim conversation i have ever had with anything
i died of laughter
i love it.
i miss them all soooo much



wow. i wish sometimes i could go back in time. i think i would relive this day. and i wouldn't change a thing...

Current Mood: jubilant

so, i was talking to a few people online earlier.
and alot of topics came up
the first one thats on my mind is one thing that Dan said to me.. "we waste alot of time in life"
and, i never really thought about it, but, we really do.

i feel like im wasting my time with being mad at someone.
for holding a grudge
for... not showing my true feelings
for not just living life

theres so much in the world im not going to do before i die. and i dont want to think that

then he said "but if we didnt do that wat would we do?"
i guess we need time to basically veg. we need time to waste away... right?
and we got into talking about living life.. and work and such
then he says "no, u like are constantly enjoying life day by day"

and, i just hope i really am

i hope im getting everything i can out of my days.. out of my life.




theeeeen, at about the same time, Kyle and i started talking about relationships. and i mentioned this confusing, "hook - up ish" thing
and he said "dont worry about it, my saying is, go with the flow" then i said "im trying, but i dont want to get hurt" then he said "yeah, thats the sucky part. youre always going to get shit on"

thats life.

im not going to learn anything in life without getting hurt... so, baby, hurt me.

 

 

 

so, im not sure what im going to do

i want to live my life.. to its very fullest.. but, i know im going to get hurt. there are going to be heartaches, there are going to be times i dont want to talk to anyone.. but, rather get it done sooner then later... right?
why not get this heartache over with...


then Brian and i were talking about this http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x12565_beatbox-fame-game
its pretty awesome.

doesn't have a THING to do with what i was talking about before..
but that is EXACTLY my point




you never know where life is going to take you
there are going to be times where you feel like your dying on the inside
theres going to be hurt, love, loss, happiness
there will be sorrow, and aggravation, and envy and greed
its going to happen.

so, just take all those funny little links
and compliments
and smiles
and car rides
and sunrises
and waves from strangers walking by
and all the laughs
and memories
and unexpected moments

and just smile.
smile to know that you still have these things to look back upon and to look forward to




live life
the end.

whats life without those moments where you dont do anything.. they make life worth while

the hurt and grief and sorrow makes life just that much sweeter.. it makes all the smiles and laughs and having random people sleeping in your bed and inside jokes and reconnecting with old friends and mini golfing and french toast and frisbee games and walks and windblown hair and random moments and fast car rides and in depth conversations that much better..
..that was my saturday.
there was all of that. from hurt to in depth conversations. everything.
i take mini golfing and frisbees for granted, when i should be taking the hurt and grief for granted.. thats what makes the windblown hair and the laughs mean anything at all




then Dan said "goodnight.. morning.."
and i realized how late it had been getting..

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Steal Me - Jupiter Sunrise

so, tonight my brother Ben gave me the Busted Stuff cd by Dave Matthews Band.. and i havn't heard this album in SO long - i love it.

and it was SUCH a pretty night, i sat on my porch and just soaked in the day. =)
trying to make life take its time - slow down a bit
i have one more year in high school, and who knows how busy i will be coming up

so i sat


and i thought




and i thought, alot.



i was thinking about the quietness that surrounds me
the fireflies sparkling in the field and up the sky, along with the stars.
the dave matthews coming from my window
the way people change
the way i have changed
the smell of the dew
the sound of dogs walking
and just, tranquility.

my mind was racing - i couldn't keep up with it

it was really awesome


i wish i could set aside more time to do things like that.. because i mean, i was thinking, and i thought about school, finals, and well, this essay that i still havn't finished yet, and thats when i decided to come back in and attempt to rewrite it.


"Run to your dreaming when you’re alone
Where all these questions spinning round my head will
die, will die, will die"






i think thats what im going to do like, all tomorrow night. just sit.
take a breather
take everything all in
i dont have school, i do have to bring my brother in, but, i can deal..


i need to set more time to just relax in my bust schedule these days..











but, i loved it.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Busted Stuff

there is so much going on these days..

studying for finals/finish up school work
looking for a job
needing to buy a car
pay for paris
get my lip pierced/convincing my mom to let me
and still have a social life


& so much is changing all around us



after i was thinking about all of that.. (im not sure why i did this - but i did...)
instead of studying and finishing my essay, i decided to clean... i never want to clean.
and i found pictures of when i lived at my dads house, when we were on a house boat, in florida when i was really little, when my cat had kittens, when i was in 3rd grade classes, nature's classroom, 8th grade farwell, just hanging out with friends from a while back, birthday parties, NYC for my first time, meeting my cousins from the philippines.. and i realized there is a period of time where i didn't have any pictures.. and, im trying to figure out why. i found pictures from when i was real little, like, in kindergarden, then there are pictures from 3rd - 5th grade. and after that i couldn't find any from then until 8th grade.. and im not sure why

i began to reminise. some good, most bad

and i remembered.. my mom and i were driving somewhere and she had asked me this question "as a child, what was your happiest moment?" then - i said "aside from all the family trips, moving."

im not sure why i was so happy getting out of my dads house. but, i was, and still am.
there are bad memories there. and, i felt like that moving would change all of that.. but, looking at all the pictures made me realize you cant change the past.. i knew that, but, for some reason those pictures made me think about that no matter what i do now, nothing will change the past

and this goes back to what i wrote about people changing.
yes, people change. yes, life can change directions. yes, you can make things better - but never fix the past


and when people ask "if you were to get back in time, would you change anything" and i always want to say "yes" but, if i went back and changed it, i wont learn.. from either my mistakes or others

 

 

this makes me want to appoligize to anyone

and everyone

 

ive made mistakes. and i have hurt people.
and, it sucks...

but there is one person that sticks out in my mind.. that i just wish could look me and my family in the eye and just say something like "im sorry i hurt you and your family"
i dont think he realizes how much that has changed my family.. i know it changed me, maybe it was for the good.. but, i really wish he didn't have to break into my house 8 times for me to realize that i need to look out, lock doors and windows..
he tought me to live in fear
and i still live in fear

...and i think i just found out why i dont have pictures of me mostly durring middle school..
all that happened durring this time..
someother things happened to make me live in even more fear durring this time..

i think i found out my answer.
fear.




these years, i have been trying to not live in fear.. but, i always have little things in my head saying "look behind you" & "did you check to lock the doors?" & "can i trust talking to this person, how will i know they wont try to hurt me?"


and - it was real hard.
i met some of the most amazing people from micca.
i had to push all my past experiences out of my mind when we went to first visit them. i couldn't let something that happened to me in the past affect me having a good time with some great people. and i didn't
and i think, what if i let fear get the best of me.. i wouldn't have met alex - and we are SO much alike.. its uncanny





its amazing how people affect your life.
its amazing how pictures set this all of in my mind
its amazing im not sleeping right now
its amazing that this all happened... i didn't plan for this to happen. i just typed what was going through my head.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Let Me Take You There by The Plain White T's

i decided to finally get one of these..
im not really sure


its probably because its 2:30 in the morning, and i have nothing else better to do 
:)

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: Dashboard Confessional